Close your mouth, you're not catching ... 🐠🐟
Well, hello there, you little fox, you!
(I was going to go with "vixen" instead of "fox", but "fox" is indiscriminate of gender and, straight up? I can't tell if you're a man or woman without my glasses on. Don't be offended by this. I walk home with my sunglasses on because they're prescription. Why, yes, I do have glasses that aren't sunglasses that I could wear, but I don't like to. Why? Because I just don't, okay? I'm weird that way. Unrelated but weird fact: Do you know I can't tell my left from my right. Well, I know which way is left and which way is right but ... I get confused sometimes ... I should probably stop talking in parentheses now and actually start this email ...)
So, hi there <insert gender specific endearment here>
How are you doing today? What's new with you? Something? Anything? Well, I have new stuff. Or not necessarily new stuff but stuff. Wanna hear about it? O. Kay! You got it, sugar!
(Can you tell I'm writing this on a sugar high?)
Let me catch you up on what's new with me, yo. First, and this is likely the sugar making me temporarily crazy buuuuut I've reduced the price of Beyond Dead toooooooo FREE!!! On all platforms! You have until the sugar high wears off to go and get your copy, so I suggest you get your bum into gear, download your copy then come back and finish reading. I can wait.
*whistles, does weird shuffle type dance, whistles some more, does some more dancing*
You back now? Coolio! Now I can catch you up on other stuff. Let's start with my mum first. You know she had pneumonia and then fractured her pelvis? (I feel like I've told you this a million times but y'all *shakes head* you have no idea––this has taken up my entire life for the past million months!) Anyway, this past week she's been walking around the house without the help of her frame, and this morning she drove us to the clinic for her checkup. It was a nerve-wracking experience ... but then getting in the car when she's in the driving seat is always pretty much that type of experience. (Example: Me: Wow, that guy took that corner wide. Did you see it? Mum: Hmm? No. I wasn't looking at the road.)
So, anyway we were driving to the clinic, and the guy in the lane next to us shot past and through a red light. I did that indignant gasp thing that everyone does when another driver does a naughty on the road. (Was it me or did that make it sound like he'd done his "business" on the road?) And then my mum puts on a super posh voice and says "Close your mouth, Jordaina. You're not catching fish.". Naturally, I ask her if she meant "flies" and then she finds the whole fish/flies confusion hilarious. She's laughing like a lunatic ... as she navigates around A THREE LANE ROUNDABOUT!! Three. Lane. Roundabout. And she's not the best at staying in her lane when she's concentrating.
The woman is crazy. I'm telling you. C. Rrazy.
Still not convinced? It's okay. I have more. Let's talk about chocolate tart (the culprit of my current sugar high). I was cutting her a piece and asked her how much she wanted. She responded with "A big piece, please. I'm still hungry so a good chunk ...". And then she looked over my shoulder and asked me what it was! SHE TOOK IT OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND HANDED IT TO ME!!
And now, so you can get a fully rounded picture of my life, let's throw Mr Wolf into the mix. He's not speaking to me at the moment. He's not been eating his tea lately. There's nothing wrong with him so don't panic. He's just spoiled. So now he doesn't eat his tea because he thinks there might be something better on the go. And he was naughty when we went for our walk last night, so he purposely didn't eat his tea because he was too busy sulking in the corner because I told him off. (Boys are so fragile, don't you think?)
People don't believe me when I say he sulks. They think he's just a dog, but he's not. He's, like, a super smart human who speaks a different language and doesn't understand human social rules. You have no idea how terrifying I find it to leave him and my mum alone. A crazy parent and a too smart dog. I'm positive I'm going to come home to some Pinky and the Brain type deal where he's trying to convince my mum the only way to get the "good" food is to hijack a truck. I 100% believe that one day I'll come home and find diagrams scrawled on the walls with their plan of attack.
I can see you're not totally behind this so let me explain further about why I think this is a possible outcome. We were watching Teen Wolf (#don't judge), and my mum said "How did Lydia heal so fast from <I'm not telling you because it's a spoiler> when it's taken me months to heal a fracture? She was so much worse off than me. Do you think we should be supernatural creatures? Like werewolves? Do you think we should be werewolves? You'll have to be the alpha though. I'll be the beta. I'll just follow you." She said this. These were her actual words. And Mr Wolf was watching her the whole time she was talking. He was taking all this in. See why I 'm worried?
Y'know, when I started writing this email to you I was just going to mention how much better she was doing but then I got sidetracked. I'm so sorry––it's the sugar. I get carried away sometimes. And now I can't remember what this email was supposed to be about. Hmmm. Maybe next time we can talk about my crazy sister who refers to herself as a snowflake. Or my crazy friend Becky who has webbed feet. (She doesn't really have webbed feet, but she can't move her toes individually, so I tell everyone she has webbed feet. Why? 'Cause it makes me happy.)
Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway, I hope you're doing well and having fun, and lots of other good stuff is happening down your way. If you have anything super cool you want to share then hit reply and let me know :)
PS. Make sure you take advantage of my sugar high and go and download your copy of Beyond Dead before it evaporates! (My sugar high not the book. Which could be annnnny second!!