Revenge is a dish best served ... all the dang time!
What’s the what? How’re you doing? Everything good? Good.
It’s been a bit of an odd week ’round this joint. Editing’s going well—or as well as can be expected with my tippy-tappy-one-finger-like-my-mum typing. It’s a little frustrating. I’m almost at the point where I'm considering using the magical key finding spell she uses. What? You’ve never heard of this? My mum uses it all the time. She swirls her finger over the keyboard while chanting the letter to bring it into being (which actually means she locates on the keyboard where it has been allllllll along). And it goes and on until she’s summoned all the letters she needs.
Okay, so I'm not quite at that point yet, but it's amazing how long it's taken me to adjust. As desperate as I am to get the use of my fingers back I'm also dreading having to relearn how to type.
Anyway, that’s book stuff. Shall we talk about revenge now?
Why? Why not? I don't know if you're aware, but I'm a touch technologically inept. If I'm honest, I'm happily technologically inept. I’m not a big fan of always being reachable (or trackable by the shadowy department of the government who need to know your exact whereabouts every moment of the day), but I do like things like AirDrop for moving documents and Bluetooth for speakers. (Hang with me--I'm getting to the revenge bit!) I have several BlueTooth speakers around the house. I have two lava lamp speakers in my office and a little speaker in the kitchen. You get better sound from the speakers than through your phone which is important when I'm playing my soothing raindrop sounds in my office. (#dontjudge it helps me concentrate) And they’re always on. I’m not randomly bragging about Bluetooth speaker collection—there’s a reason for me telling you this.
At 7:12am last Sunday morning one of the speakers in my office crackled to life and started playing “Waiting for Tonight” by Jennifer Lopez. It was early, so at first I thought maybe I’d somehow switched on an alarm on my phone and set it to play music. Yes, it is possible for me do this without realising I’d done it. Technologically inept, remember? And yes, it’s normal for my phone to be connected to the speakers because, like I said, I listen to raindrops and howling wolves while I’m writing. Why don’t I just go outside? I live in England. It’s cold. And windy. And wet. And Mr Wolf tries to sit on my laptop.
Anyway, good old Jenny had just finished when I found my phone. There was no music playing on the screen, so I figured if it had been an alarm it was done. I set my phone to charge and left the room when the same song came back on through the speakers. Once again, I checked my phone, but it wasn't playing anything.
So I did what every IT person tells you to do: I turned it off and back on again. Jenny carried on unperturbed.
Then I figured maybe my mum had been messing about and had somehow connected her phone. I didn’t know why she (or I for that matter) would have JLo set as an alarm song, but maybe it was a random song from a playlist or something. Anyway, I checked her phone and it wasn’t coming from that either. So naturally, I went back up into my office and stared at the speaker, trying to decide on a course of action while Jenny from the block was on her fourth rendition of the same song. (In a side note, Roger, an old red Seat car I used to have would turn his radio on in the middle of the night when he wanted so attention so this wasn’t as unnerving or unusual as it could have been.)
And then, I realised the most logical explanations was that a neighbour must have somehow connected their phone to my speaker. It was early in the morning and I wasn’t firing on all cylinders so, yes, this most logical conclusion did come after phone alarm and haunted speaker hypotheses. Also, before you ask, no, I don’t know why they felt the need to listen to JLo on repeat at 7am on a Sunday morning. Or why they hadn’t noticed that they couldn’t hear the music they were playing.. Before I could exorcise the demon neighbour from my speaker (a.k.a. switch it off), the music stopped.
Considering the matter resolved I headed downstairs. I made it all the way to the bottom and then JLo got her groove back on. So I climbed up the two flights of stairs to switch the speaker off, but when I got into my office, it stopped again. I waited a few minutes to make sure it was a Roger 2.0 situation (he used to turn the radio back on—I once spent twenty minutes in the middle of the night sitting behind the driver’s seat in my PJs repeatedly turning the radio off! Good times!). My patience was rewarded as my evil but anonymous neighbour connected to my speaker again. A little annoyed I stomped across the room and switched the speaker off ... but JLo was still playing.
Naturally, I freaked out. Took me almost half a minute to realise the music was coming from the other speaker. *rolls eyes at stupid self*
So, I switched that one off at the wall and waited. It took a several seconds for the music to fade (which I thought was a bit weird), but it eventually stopped. Positive I'd excorised my evil neighbour from the speaker, I turned my back to leave and Jenny started up again. AGAIN!
But quieter. Confused, I put my ear to each speaker in turn but since the sound definitely wasn't coming from either of them, I headed downstairs only to find--yep, you guessed it--JLo playing from my kitchen speaker. At this point, there may or may not have been some swearing. (For “some” read “a lot”.)
When I was done with the rude words I switched the speaker off. Only for it to start up again in my office seconds later. At this point I started to freak out. But I'm nothing if not courageous *cough* stupid *cough* in the face of haunty danger.
I crept back up into my attic office--because EVERYONE knows if you sneak around ghosts don't bother you--and JLo was coming from one of the switched off speakers! I double checked them. One was unplugged and the other was switched off at the base. Minor panic and a little ghost-pleading ensued … while it took me longer than I'd care to admit to realised I'd unplugged the speaker I'd already turned off at the base. So the one playing the music was plugged in and switched on. (It was early and it had been a stressful morning!)
At this point, I realised that either my neighbours were extremely dumb … or messing with me. And why are they playing JLo at 7am on a Sunday morning? Why? What’s wrong with these people? Surely she’s more of a Saturday night type of soundtrack. Regardless, I was sure I'd finally defeated their evil scheme, so I went and made myself a cup of tea.
And then JLo starts up again! A. Gain.
At this point, I’ve become a touch rabid. So I go back around the house and yank out all the speakers, but I can still hear it! By the time my mum walks into the kitchen I’m on my fourth cup of tea and the twitch in my right eye has become so aggressive it looks like I’m winking at everything. I’d decided I’d gone mad and the only place JLo was playing was inside my head.
“It’s a bit early for that, isn’t it?” my mum said and nodded toward the neighbours. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, “You can hear that?”. She responded by mirroring my expression back to me and hesitated before speaking. “The music? Yeah, I can hear the music … can you hear the music?” because we’re apparently all crazy and prone to hearing voices in my house and no one wants to be the first to admit that’s what’s happening.
So then I fill my mum in on the JLo misadventures and the evil neighbour speaker-exorcism debacle. And as I’m explaining I fully realise that the neighbours must have a Bluetooth speaker and exactly what that means.
Not following? It means that when I've been taking finger-rest-breaks from editing, I spent my week connecting to my neighbours' speaker and forcing them to listen to a variety of country music.